December 16, 2022 — Contributing Cardie Lauren Rowell had a hand in this comforting Meanings of Life design. A beautiful writer, Lauren is admirably trusting and open with the fact that she is among the 50 million Americans known to be struggling with mental health challenges. We asked her thoughts on how caring Cardies might reach out and honor the emotions of sadness, grief, and anxiety that — for all too many — can come with this time of year. How might we go about putting our compassion into words and action?
“We begin by acknowledging hurt,” Lauren says, “we don’t pretend it isn’t there. We recognize that, for some, the holidays can bring up all kinds of losses, both fresh or otherwise. For the more than three-and-a-half million families who lost a loved one in this past year alone, this will be the first time there will be an empty chair at the holiday table. Simply acknowledging those losses is a caring and comforting way to remind people that they are both thought of and loved.
“In notes to those approaching the dreaded ‘firsts,’” Lauren explains, “I often write that I am praying that they will sense the best way to remember/honor their loved one at the holidays – whether that is by going out or spending quiet time alone.
“Other families you know may be facing big, loaded questions like, ‘How do we equitably juggle the kids’ time between parents this first holiday after the divorce?’ ‘How do I handle gift-giving this year when money is so tight?’ ‘While working so hard on my sobriety, am I really up to going to gatherings where there will be lots of alcohol and then fielding questions and pressures to ‘have just a glass.’”
Lauren points out, “Many people will have health issues that bring their own set of challenges. Both physical and mental health conditions can leave one exhausted, struggling to find the energy and emotional stamina for get-togethers. As one who both battles mental illness and who is still grieving a beloved uncle’s passing on a Christmas Day, what I have found connects most deeply with those I write to is to extend a lot of grace for people to come as they are and feel what they feel. Let people know they are seen and accepted wherever they may be. Instead of looking for just the right present, choose to be present for someone who is hurting. Send a note that simply says something like, ‘I am remembering you during this challenging time.’
“You might take this a step further by inviting someone who is struggling to join you in an activity or go somewhere to be surrounded by others,” Lauren suggests, “if they so choose. And then accept their ‘No, thank you’ if it comes. As a person with anxiety,” she shares, “sometimes going out to an event or even gathering with an established group of close friends is downright terrifying for me … but being invited still makes me feel seen and loved. Being thought of matters, whether the decision is to participate or not.
“Which brings up the important point that extending grace means considering ‘No’ a perfectly acceptable response,” she emphasizes. “It’s natural to want to take a loved one’s pain away, but we are not capable of that. And when we press, or try platitudes, or quick fixes (no matter how well-intentioned and thought out) the wound may just deepen and the person may begin to feel like they’ve become no longer a person but a project to you.
“Loneliness and pain are heavy things,” Lauren reminds us, “so feeling seen and cared for makes a world of difference. For those who do not find this the most wonderful time of the year, gentleness, tenderness, truly loving and seeing the other — all are the actions and words people long to see and hear.”
With appreciation for Lauren’s empathy and amazing way with words, love and hugs to her and every caring Cardie in this community.
Jodee Stevens
Founder & Chief Creative
December 16, 2022 — In response to last Friday’s Cardie Newsletter featuring the soothing waterfall meditation, Cardie Kim Talaski gave us all the wonderful gift of perspective here at the holidays by commenting, “Post bi-lateral mastectomy, dealing with tubes, drains, bruising, and of course the loss of what every woman feels defines her, so this was heaven-sent! Like it was created just for me. Thank you!”
Reading Kim’s message, my thoughts ran to Contributing Cardie Lauren Rowell, who helped write the comforting Meanings of Life design above. A beautiful writer, Lauren is admirably trusting and open with the fact that she is among the 50 million Americans known to be struggling with mental health challenges; she also lost a beloved uncle on Christmas day three years ago. We asked her thoughts on how caring Cardies might reach out and honor the emotions of sadness, grief, and anxiety that — for all too many — can come with this time of year. How might we go about putting our compassion into words and action?
“We begin by acknowledging hurt,” Lauren says, “we don’t pretend it isn’t there. We recognize that, for some, the holidays can bring up all kinds of losses, both fresh or otherwise. For the more than three-and-a-half million families who lost a loved one in this past year alone, this will be the first time there will be an empty chair at the holiday table. Simply acknowledging those losses is a caring and comforting way to remind people that they are both thought of and loved.
“In notes to those approaching the dreaded ‘firsts,’” Lauren explains, “I often write that I am praying that they will sense the best way to remember/honor their loved one at the holidays – whether that is by going out or spending quiet time alone.
“Other families you know may be facing big, loaded questions like, ‘How do we equitably juggle the kids’ time between parents this first holiday after the divorce?’ ‘How do I handle gift-giving this year when money is so tight?’ ‘While working so hard on my sobriety, am I really up to going to gatherings where there will be lots of alcohol and then fielding questions and pressures to have ‘just a glass.’”
Lauren points out, “Many people will have health issues that bring their own set of challenges. Both physical and mental health conditions can leave one exhausted, struggling to find the energy and emotional stamina for get-togethers. As one who both battles mental illness and who is still grieving my uncle’s passing, what I have found connects most deeply with those I write to is to extend a lot of grace for people to come as they are and feel what they feel. Let people know they are seen and accepted wherever they may be. Instead of looking for just the right present, choose to bepresent for someone who is hurting. Send a note that simply says something like, ‘I am remembering you during this challenging time.’
“You might take this a step further by inviting someone who is struggling to join you in an activity or go somewhere to be surrounded by others,” Lauren suggests, “if they so choose. And then accept their ‘No, thank you’ if it comes. As a person with anxiety,” she shares, “sometimes going out to an event or even gathering with an established group of close friends is downright terrifying for me … but being invited still makes me feel seen and loved. Being thought of matters, whether the decision is to participate or not.
“Which brings up the important point that extending grace means considering ‘No’ a perfectly acceptable response,” she emphasizes. “It’s natural to want to take a loved one’s pain away, but we are not capable of that. And when we press, or try platitudes, or quick fixes (no matter how well-intentioned and thought out) the wound may just deepen and the person may begin to feel like they’ve become no longer a person but a project to you.
“Loneliness and pain are heavy things,” Lauren reminds us, “so feeling seen and cared for makes a world of difference. For those who do not find this the most wonderful time of the year, gentleness, tenderness, truly loving and seeing the other are the actions and words people long to see and hear.”
With appreciation for Lauren’s empathy and amazing way with words, love and hugs to her and every caring Cardie in this community.
Jodee Stevens
Founder & Chief Creative
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